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| I hate winter.
And it's not just cuz it's cold and dark and dreary. It's cuz I'm awake and exhausted at 2:00 a.m. and feeling anxious and jittery for ABSOLUTELY no good reason.
I hate to play the "psychology major who diagnoses everything," but for a long time now, I've suspected that I suffer from a bit of seasonal affective disorder. At the very least, I feel like I'd feel much better in winter time if I lived a bit further south. Up until this past week, I've felt pretty awesome about my life. I've been pretty chill and happy. Now I'm feeling stressed and anxious.
I suppose there are some reasons for me to feel stressed. I've decided to take some classes next semester, I have a few things to do before I leave for Jamaica, and I have a bit of paperwork for my student loans. But am I really such a bundle of nerves that this is a big deal? I had a full course load this summer and felt OK.
Does the thought of school really fill me with such dread that it makes me this anxious about everything? Or is it the weather?
I'm planning on applying to grad schools in this upcoming year and while most of the schools are pretty much Ohio latitude, two campuses are in the south. One if Phoenix and the other in Atlanta. I'm HARDCORE considering trying my very best to go to one of these. I'd really be interested in seeing if I feel better with a change in latitude, you know?
I suppose we'll see.
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| I think...I'm finally feeling OK.
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| This post is going to be way more sympathetic and nicer than my actual feelings in the heat of the moment.
I think my dad is struggling with the idea that I actually do not need his help for every technical or mechanical problem I have.
FOR INSTANCE, I recently repaired my mom's Wii. This exchange occurred:
Mom: The Wii's fixed!
Me: Yup.
Mom: You did it?
Me: Yup. The power source just needed to be reset. It was really simple.
Dad: Well, I was doing some rewiring today and...
Mom: I noticed this last week. Don't try to take credit.
Then my mom was having an issue with the computer and printer. I set off to help her out when dad just swoops down and tells me to "stop stop stop!" and proceeds to hunt for the "Print test page" command. All the while ignoring anything I had to say. My plan would have completed the same objective, but with less headache. But nooo, it was all "stop stop stop!" with a subtext of "You don't know what you're doing."
It actually strikes me that I might actually know just as much about computers as my dad does and the man WORKS WITH THEM.
At the time, I was pissed. "Nooo, of course we won't listen to me. I NEVER know what I'm talking about. I'm a complete retard, after allgrumblegrumblegrumble"
But after I calm down...I realize it must be kind of confusing for the man to go from the most knowledgeable guy in the house to his little girl not needing him and taking his place as computer troubleshooter.
It's still frustrating...
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| It may (or may not) surprise you to hear that I really don't consider myself a "gamer."
As much as I blabber on here about my favorite games and as much as I watch and read video game reviews, I actually don't really like most games out there.
I love playing games, but I only play very few.
I don't like FPSs, even really good ones like Half-Life. I wish I did sometimes because Half-Life is awesome, but I don't.
I don't get all excited for the newest installments of Mario or Legend of Zelda (though I have enjoyed past Mario and Zelda games). I just feel like they're all mostly the same game. I even hate Sonic games these days; they're total shit.
And most games laying outside these two just don't really light my fire. I know a load of people who get excited about mowing down zombies or blowing up buildings and enjoying their sandbox games, but I do not. There's a game out there called Dead Rising where you're in a mall, killing zombies and being a photojournalist. And you get extra points for getting hilarious pics of dead zombies. I can totally see the appeal, but I know I would get really bored playing this game after five minutes.
But I don't mind too much. I save money on games and game systems. It does, however, make some aspects of my life frustrating. I don't really fit in with gamers (or any dorks really. I'm not enough into ANYTHING, be it anime, games, or sci-fi films, to really connect). They know and play all the games and I just chill out in my small niche. But of course, I'm a little too dorky to really connect with "normal" people X-D
Anna from work: What did you do last night?
Me: Oh...nothing much *totally doesn't want to admit to playing Pokemon for hours X-D*
But whatever. I've survived 22 years in this position; it's one I don't really mind.
What I do mind, however, is having ONE GAME that I totally want to play, but I don't have an XBOX 360 or PS3 or my laptop's graphics card just doesn't cut it for games these days. It's not worth it to me to buy a fancy new console for one game and my laptop is in more or less fine condition. It's not worth it to me to buy a brand new laptop for just one game.
But gosh darn it, I want to play THAT ONE GAME.
Actually right now it's three games (Portal 2, Dragon Age 1&2), but my point remains. I'm not going to buy a new laptop when my current one is FINE.
If I was a bigger gamer, then a shiny new gaming laptop or PS3 would totally be worth it, but I'm not and it's not.
And it's really for the best in the long run. Saving money on video games and doing other things with my free time. But still...
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| True story: there are loads of guys (and girls!) out there who are nice and deserve someone to love them. Another true story: I'm pretty sure some people who are alone presume that since they are alone, it is because they are nice and people don't appreciate them. One final true story: Not everyone who can't get a date is nice. I've noticed a few people out there bemoan the fact that they are alone and complain "Why don't girls/guys like nice guys/girls like me?" And in reality, they are actually not nice at all. They're full of themselves, smothering, or even borderline abusive. But on the surface, they certainly seem nice. They praise you and do things for you, all in the name of their devotion. But when it comes to actual relationship interactions, they fall flat. They want to constantly be together. They're assualting you with their accomplishments and knowledge. Or they guilt-trip you endlessly. ...I don't really know why I started thinking about this today, but I did. | | |
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